literature

Kid Icarus: Pit's Valiant Valentines

Deviation Actions

DandyAndy1989's avatar
Published:
17.3K Views

Literature Text

Pit had just gotten back to Skyworld after another task given to him.
"Another day, another attack! Boy, life doesn't get anymore intense than this," he said as he hung up his weapon for the day.
"Now I think there's a hot spring with my name on it," he said to himself.
"Shall we take our leave, captain?" one of the Centurions asked.
"Yes. You are dismissed, my fine troop," said Pit.
The Centurions were off to do whatever they could do. Pit just wanted to go and relax in his special pool.
"Ah, now for a little R & R..." he said as he was about to get into the spring. That was when a familiar voice came up to him.
"Hey, Pit! Get a load of what I found out!" said that voice.
It was Viridi, the Goddess of Nature. She and Pit used to be a bit at odds with each other when Hades was laying on the attack of all mankind. But they seemed to warm up more to each other.
"What are you doing, Viridi? I'm trying to have some time alone after today's mission. This one was a doozy, too," said Pit.
"Sorry, but your you time is gonna have to wait. Up and at 'em!" she said as she picked him up out of the spring.
"Good thing I always wear my tunic," said Pit.
"Yeah, it's a good thing all right. Censorship always knows how to keep things from getting a little...personal..." said Viridi. "Anyway, come with me."

She took Pit to her nature temple to show Pit something that she read in one of her books.
"You remember St. Valentine, Pit?" Viridi asked her little angel friend.
"The Roman Saint Valentinus who was known for his courtships? Yeah, I know about that guy," Pit answered.
"Well, as it turns out that there's a special day dedicated to him on February 14, and it even says there was once an angel like you named Cupid who would fly around on this day to shoot arrows in their butts and make them fall in love with the first person they met," Viridi explained.
"Wait! Do those arrows even hurt?" Pit asked.
"Maybe just a slight pinch," Viridi answered. "But the arrows are magical, so you don't have to worry about them really hurting the humans."
"So, where are you getting at?" Pit wondered.
"I was thinking..." Viridi started.
"Oh, you want me to go meet this Cupid and see how he does it?"
"No, that's not quite-"
"Well then, I'm off!"
"No! I was trying to say-"
"LATER!"
Pit took off without Viridi getting a word in edgewise.
"And I helped him out after he was free from being a ring why?" she asked herself.

Pit flew off to a neighborhood close to Skyworld and saw that he was at the home of Cupid.
"This must be the place," he said.
He went right on in and saw that the house was full of hearts and roses and candy.
"Wow. This guy must be a real lover boy," he thought to himself.
"Who's there?" someone asked.
"It is I, Pit, servant of Palutena, the Goddess of Light!" said Pit.
A cherub came in and was wearing a diaper.
"Oh, so you're the famous Pit, the one who slayed Hades in the great war between the gods," said the little cherub.
"None other," said Pit.
"Well, it's an honor to meet you. I'm Cupid. The God of Love," said Cupid.
"I always thought Aphrodite was the Goddess of Love," said Pit.
"Oh, she's just an old friend of mine," said Cupid.
"You said it, darling. And Pit, what are you and Cupid getting into?" Aphrodite asked.
"Hey, Aphrodite," said Pit.
"Does Palutena happen to know what is going on yet?" Aphrodite asked.
"Not quite yet," Pit admitted.
"Be sure to tell her soon. I can only sense trouble afoot with what this story will be like," said Aphrodite.
"So, anyway, Cupid, I was wondering if you would show me the ropes on how you make people fall in love on the day that celebrates Saint Valentinus," Pit requested.
"Oh, I don't do that anymore. I'm retired," said Pit.
"WHAT?! Then how are people gonna feel the love?" Pit questioned.
"That's what I was going to suggest before you flew off all willy nilly!" Viridi told him.
"Suggest what?" Pit asked.
"Suggest that you take Cupid's place as the guardian of love. You could shoot people in their butts for him," Viridi suggested.
"Oh, come on. I already have my duties as the captain of Palutena's Guard! Do I really need to do this?" Pit wondered.
"Hey, I'm not the one who wrote this script. You gotta do it," Viridi answered.
"Please, Pit? For just this one day?" Pit asked.
"Okay, fine. I've done worse things in life. Going through Hades's digestive tract for starters," Pit agreed reluctantly.
"Oh, thank you! Wait. What did you say about Hades's digestive tract?" Cupid thanked and then asked awkwardly.
"Never mind. It'll be a happy Valentine's Day for everyone, that's for sure," Pit finished.

At Palutena's Temple, the entire guard was sitting down to dinner.
"So, Pit, how was your day?" Palutena asked.
"Oh, fine. Fine," Pit answered.
"Slayed any monsters? Bather in any hot springs? Promised to substitute for the guardian of love?" Palutena asked.
"You found out, huh?" Pit asked.
"Aphrodite told me all about it," said Palutena.
"Captain! This job sounds a bit unorthodox. Might we suggest you turn down this request before the day approaches?" one of the Centurions asked.
"I gotta do this. Cupid's not into his old job anymore and he figured I could be a good substitute," said Pit.
"A promise is a promise," Palutena recalled.
"Just don't expect me to wear a diaper," Pit mumbled.
"Don't worry. I'll tell Cupid that that won't be necessary," said Palutena.
"Thanks. Nothing would be more humiliating than looking like a big winged baby," said Pit.
"I'll give you a thousand hearts for a picture of Pit in a diaper," Viridi bribed Palutena.
"Well, I COULD go get my camera," said Palutena.
"NO! PLEASE DON'T! I ESPECIALLY DON'T WANT THAT DIAPER GETTING EXTRA STINKY!" Pit begged.
"Relax. I'm not gonna do it," said Palutena.
"Oh, thank you," Pit thanked her.
"You're no fun," Viridi sighed.

The big day of the holiday that celebrated the romantic courtships had arrived, and Pit got Cupid's bow and arrow to take with him. He even borrowed Cupid's wing power to let him fly for as long as he wanted.
"Okay, so all I gotta do is shoot people with these arrows and they'll fall in love without doing something horrible to them?" Pit asked.
"That's the gist of it," said Cupid.
"Okay, great! I won't let you down!" said Pit. He flew off and shouted,
"TIME FOR LOVE TO MAKE THE WORLD GO ROUND!"
"He's gonna screw this up," said Aphrodite.
"I know. But for now, let's just enjoy how he does it and then help him fix it later," said Cupid.
Pit was flying in the sky looking for people who were seeking love.
"Let's see...who needs that special someone in their lives?" Pit wondered.
He looked down and saw who looked like that little girl who he first controlled when he was the Ring of Chaos.
"Hey, I recognize that little girl anywhere! She must be seeking someone," said Pit.
He looked and saw a boy about her age looking for love. This made the perfect opportunity.
"Okay, here we go," said Pit.
He fired the arrows and shot them in their butts.
"That should do it," he said.
The girl and boy fell in love with each other and were very happy.
"Isn't that sweet? It's like something out of a romance novel! For little kids," said Pit.
He continued onward.

Magnus was busy fighting off against some of the monsters that Medusa had summoned.
"Oh great. Looks like Medusa's at it again. Will she never learn?" Pit wondered.
He had a bit of an idea.
"I think I know how I can help Magnus out," said Pit.
He got his arrows ready.
"Come on. Is that really all you got?" Magnus asked.
"At least I'm trying my hardest to get back at the mortals, but more importantly that accursed angel Pit!" said Medusa.
"Ol' Angel Face can do a number on you anytime," said Magnus.
The arrows went flying and were supposed to aim at the monsters that Medusa commanded, but instead they struck at Medusa and Magnus. Pit didn't noticed that.
"Those monsters won't be fighting Magnus for long as long as they love each other," said Pit.
But here's what really happened. Medusa spotted Pit and she and the snakes for her hair fell madly in love.
"What a man!" she gasped.
Magnus saw Medusa and fell in love with her.
"That gal's got the best dreadlocks I've ever seen!" he said.
It was gonna be one fine mess Pit got them into.

Pit was flying around seeing if there was anyone else who would be willing to feel the power of his love arrows. Phosphora came flying by.
"Hey, Pit. How's it going?" she asked the angel boy.
"I don't have time to chat, Phosphora! I've got a Valentine's Day duty to take care of. Duty calls, and Pit answers!" said Pit as he flew off.
"Well, Mistress Viridi told me that you were filling in for Cupid, so I figured I'd come by and see how you'd mess up," said Phosphora.
"I'm not gonna mess up! I'll have you know I stopped some of Medusa's soldiers with these things, and they will definitely make her hapless!" said Pit.
"If you say so," said Phosphora.
"Now, I gotta get back to work," said Pit.
He flew off with more people to make fall in love. Hades could see that.
"What's ol' Pitty up to?" he asked.
He came up to the angel who defeated him.
"Why, hello there, Pitty Pat!" said Hades.
"Oh, hi, Hades," Pit sighed.
"You're probably wondering how I'm still alive even though you felled me with that big laser cannon," Hades figured.
"I am, but I don't feel like it right now," said Pit.
"Oh, okay. No big secret for you then."
"Right now, I gotta get to work, if you don't mind."
"Go right on ahead, Pitty. Sorry to hold you up."
"Yeah, right."
Pit dropped an arrow by accident and it landed on Hades's butt.
"OW! Who dropped this toothpick onto my-" he started to ask until he felt the love. He then saw Palutena.
"My true love beckons me!" he said.

Pit was shooting arrows left and right. He got quite a few people to fall in love.
"This is fun! I never thought making people fall in love would be this exciting!" he said.
"I bet Cupid would be impressed," said Phosphora.
"Now, watch this shot," said Pit.
He fired an arrow straight toward a maiden who waited for her prince charming. But the winds were too strong and blew the arrow off course. It hit Phosphora instead.
"Ah, nuts. I was so close," said Pit.
The arrow went and hit Phosphora's butt. She then noticed Dark Pit, or Pittoo by his "friends", and fell in love.
"A bad boy...definitely the top in any cutie list," said Phosphora. She zipped off.
"I wonder where she's going in such a hurry," said Pit.
He continued his duties and fired away.

Some of the arrows went flying here and there in all sorts of directions. Palutena was watching over the humans when one of the arrows hit her and smacked her in the butt. She noticed Magnus.
"Oh, what a hunk!" she said with love in her eyes.
She was ready to go down to Earth and see him. Pit had just finished up shooting love arrows everywhere.
"Hey, Lady Palutena! I'm all done with doing Cupid's duties!" said Pit.
"That's nice, Pit. But right now, I have to go see someone down there..." said Palutena in a dreamy tone.
"Weird. She must have won the lottery or something," said Pit.
What he didn't know was what his arrows caused to her. Just then, Hades and Medusa came bursting in.
"OH NO!" Pit gasped.
"Where is she?" Hades asked.
"Pit, darling! It's me!" said Medusa in a sweet tone.
"What's going on here?" Pit asked.
Medusa picked him up and was ready to kiss him.
"That's an even worse gaze than the one that turns people to stone!" Pit thought.
"Palutena! Pretty Palutena! Your sweets Hadepoo is here!" said Hades.
"Hadepoo? Really?" Pit sighed.
"Come on, Pit. We can go back to the Underworld and enjoy some alone time together," said Medusa.
"I didn't even do anything to deserve that!" said Pit.

While Medusa was dragging Pit back to the Underworld for herself, Magnus caught up with her.
"Magnus! Boy, am I glad to see you!" said Pit.
"Hey, angel face! What are you doing with my lady?" Magnus asked.
"Your WHAT?!" Pit asked.
"Don't listen to him, Pit. I'm YOUR lady, not his!" said Medusa.
She summoned some monsters to help her out.
"Magnus, what do you mean your lady?" Pit asked.
"Well, it's obvious that I have my eyes set on-" Magnus asked.
"Me, right?" Palutena asked from behind.
"Lady Palutena! Get me outta here!" Pit begged.
"I think Magnus could do it for me," said Palutena.
"Nice try, toots. But I'm more into the snake haired type," said Magnus.
"This is so confusing!" said Pit.
"Allow me!" said a familiar voice.
A shining green light came down and pulled Pit out.
"MY LOVE!" Medusa cried.
"Peek-a-boo! I see you!" Hades said to Palutena.
"Peek-a-bare! I don't care!" Palutena replied.

Pit was not sure what was going on there.
"You really haven't a clue what happened, have you?" Viridi asked.
"Uh...not really," Pit answered.
"It's very obvious. Your substituting for Cupid didn't exactly work out the way you hoped. You had a few slipshod moments that made everything go topsy-turvy! But I think you can notice that by the way everyone's acting," said Viridi.
"Man, I feel like such a heel with all of this," said Pit.
"You can say that again. So, you made the mess, and you're gonna have to clean it up. I can at least tell you that you haven't made EVERYONE fall in love. Me for starters. But your good frenemy would also be willing to help you out," Viridi explained.
"If by "frenemy" you mean "Pittoo", I think he and I can fix this mess together. I just better hurry up and find him before this love fest turns into a nightmare!" said Pit.
"You do that while I wait for the action to take place," said Viridi.
Pit took off to find Pittoo.

Thankfully, Pittoo wasn't that far away.
"Pittoo! I need your help! This is an emergency!" Pit panicked.
"Let me guess. You filled in for Cupid for Valentine's Day to fulfill his role of making people fall in love with each other, screwed up a few shots here and there, and made all sorts of crazy love affairs go awry and now you need my help to fix everything," Pittoo guessed spot-on.
"No! I filled in for Cupid for Val-wait. Yeah, that's exactly it. Boy, you really hit the nail on the head there. How'd you know?" Pit asked.
"You can tell that to Ms. Zappity Zap Zap with hearts in her eyes," Pittoo answered with Phosphora clinging to his leg.
"Oh, you are such a bad boy, Pittoo. And you're cute as well! The perfect man!" said Phosphora.
"And I thought her flirting with me was cheesy," said Pit.
"Okay, since we're pretty much one and the same, we're gonna have to work together to get this done right. But you should know that this is one of your biggest mistakes ever," Pittoo told his good side.
"I know, I know! No need to reiterate!" Pit told him.

They went to go see Cupid to see if there was anything he could do to help.
"And now, love is spreading like a virus," said Pit.
"Oh, Pit. You really messed up big time," said Cupid.
"WILL PEOPLE PLEASE STOP BRINGING THAT UP?!" Pit lashed.
"Anyway, since you make people fall in love, can you make them fall out of it too?" Pittoo asked.
"Well, I don't usually do that kind of thing, but I did work on a special set of arrows that would ensure heartbreak in the blink of an eye," said Cupid. He went to his secret chest and pulled out some special arrows.
"Here they are. My special heartbreak arrows that are said to break the power of my love arrows," said Cupid.
"Ooh! Those will do!" said Pit.
"One shot of these and they'll be back to normal just like that!" said Cupid.
"They're just what we need!" said Pit.
"Time to burn those hearts!" said Pittoo.
"AW YEAH!" they said together.

The love affair was getting worse and worse with every minute.
"So, who should we take care of first?" Pit asked.
"How about her?" Pittoo reminded Pit of Phosphora.
"Yeah, good idea," said Pit.
He took out one of the arrows and shot her in the butt with it.
"Ow!" she said. She saw herself tugging to Pittoo's ankle.
"Do you mind?" he asked.
"You bet I do. I can't believe I was holding onto your leg like that," she said.
"I'm sure you still wouldn't believe it if we told you why," said Pit.
"So, anyway, what's the deal?" Phosphora.
"Ol' Pit made love go by here and there and now all sorts of things are messed up," Pittoo explained.
"And we're doing our best to fix it," said Pit.
"Works for me. Gotta see what Mistress Viridi has to say about this," said Phosphora. She zipped off in a bolt of lightning to talk to Viridi.
"She's a keeper," said Pittoo.

Everyone was fighting one another. The Hewdraw heads were fighting over Gaol, Gaol was trying to get closer to Pandora, Pandora was aroused by Thanatos, Thanatos was looking at Arlon, and Arlon wasn't even in love.
"This is the most uncivilized behavior I have ever seen! What fools these gods and mortals be!" said Arlon.
"Hang on, Arlon! We're gonna save you!" said Pittoo.
"Just keep your loins girded!" said Pit.
"The angels are working together now. That is most humble of them," said Arlon.
Pit and Pittoo fired arrows here and there and made a lot of them fall out of love.
"Oh, my word! What have I been doing all this time? Can someone tell me what was going on? I'm not in my happy place!" Thanatos went on.
"We'll explain later, Thanatos," said Pit.
They got Gaol and the Hewdraw back to normal.
"Why am I with the Goddess of Calamity? And why does she look so attractive?" Gaol wondered.
"Allow me," said Pittoo. He made Pandora fall out of love with Gaol.
"What in the world? This demon girl is not my type!" said Pandora.
"How does it look?" Pit asked.
They saw that most of them were back to normal. But there was still the matter of the three gods and Magnus.
"Where's Magnus?" Gaol wondered.
"You might wanna look," said Pit.
He pointed to Magnus trying to attract Medusa.
"Well, don't just stand there! You gotta help him!" said Gaol.
"Right," said Pittoo.
They fired the heartbreak arrows and snapped him and Palutena out of it.
"Magnus?" Palutena asked.
"Well, this is awkward," said Magnus.
"My dear Palutena! Shall we marry and find a deserted island for just the two of us? That island will be surrounded by a sea of molten lava," said Hades.
"Uh...what are you getting at?" Palutena asked.
"It may take two arrows on this one," said Pit.
"Totally," said Pittoo.
They fired the arrows and shot Hades and turned him back to normal.
"Oh, dear. Have I been sleepwalking again? I could have sworn I had a thing for Palutena there. Tell me, Pitty. Does this paint a pretty picture?" Hades asked.
"You wouldn't believe me if I told you," said Pit.
"Wait. Where's Medusa?" Pittoo asked.

Medusa came out and wrapped her snake dreadlocks around Pit.
"AH!" Pit yelped.
"Oh, Pit. Playing hard to get? That's what I like about a man," said Medusa.
"SHE REALLY PUT THE DREAD IN DREADLOCKS!" Pit panicked.
"I'll admit, that was a clever one," Hades admitted.
"Never mind that. We gotta get Pit outta there!" said Magnus.
"Everyone! Do what you can to stop Medusa from taking Pit back with her!" said Palutena.
"You got it!" said Pittoo.
"Please. I kept reviving her, and I can finish her off with ease. I think I can handle it. Besides, if anyone's gonna have Pit, it's gonna be me," said Hades.
They all fought off against Medusa with Pit still squeezed by the snakes.
"Just don't hit me whatever you do!" said Pit.
"Don't blame us if we do by accident, okay?" Pittoo demanded.
"I WILL NOT LET YOU HAVE MY DEAR PIT!" Medusa roared.
"Your love is the Me's!" Pit complained.
"It's the what's?" Magnus asked.
"The Pits. Get it?" Palutena got it.
"That's what I meant. The Me's," said Pit.
"Oh, now I get it," said Magnus.
"We almost got her!" said Palutena.
She summoned her glamblater or clobberlaser or whatever she called it and weakened Medusa so she couldn't stand well.
"Now, Pittoo!" said Palutena.
"Leave it to me!" said Pittoo. He pierced through the locks and got Pit out.
"Thanks a bunch," said Pit.
"You really gotta stop getting in those situations, man," said Pittoo.
"Anyway, let's break her crush on me before she literally crushes me!" said Pit.
They fired all the heartbreak arrows they had and snapped Medusa out of it.
"Oh, my head. Everything's spinning," she said.
"You alright, Medusa?" Palutena asked.
"Of course, I'm not alright. I feel like a couple of swords were stabbed in my rear. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some vengeance to plan," said Medusa.
She left for the Underworld.
"Yes. I should plot mine as well. And it'll be better," said Hades.
He took his leaf of absence as well.
"So, what DID happen exactly?" Magnus asked.
"I can explain," said Pit.

About 15 paragraphs explained, Pit had gotten through the whole thing.
"And that's what happened," he said.
"Boy, Cupid should really consider finding a better replacement, don't you think?" Phosphora asked.
"You can say that again," said Pittoo.
"So, anyway, I gotta go and take care of something. Bye," said Pit.
He flew off and returned all the equipment Cupid lent him and Pittoo for this little caper.
"Here you go, Cupid. Everything as it was before," said Pit.
"Well, you should definitely practice a bit more if I consider you being my replacement with this job," said Cupid.
"And you should also consider that love is not a force. It happens only when the feelings of true love come to. They are grown in due time," said Aphrodite.
"Oh, so that's the moral, huh? Kinda sappy, don't you think?" Pit asked.
"Perhaps. But you seemed to learn your lesson," said Aphrodite.
"I'm just glad that everything's alright. And what about the little girl and boy?" Pit asked.
"Oh, they can stay in love. They do have those feelings for each other after all," said Cupid.
"That's a relief," said Pit.
"I hope to see you next year with more practice," said Cupid.
"Don't count on it," said Pit.

He went back to Palutena's Temple to get some hot spring time before the day was over. He just wanted to put the whole holiday behind him.
"Hey, Pit," said Viridi.
"Not now, Viridi," Pit griped.
"Sorry, but we need a word with you," said Palutena.
"I just hope it's important," said Pit.
Everyone was there to talk to Pit about this.
"What's this about?" Pit asked.
"You really messed up the order of things when doing Cupid's job," said Hades.
"And we understand you were doing what he did best, but we feel you need to have a little form of punishment," said Pandora.
"Why? I got everything back to normal," said Pit.
"Yeah, but you still gotta do something in return to make up for that mess," said Pittoo.
"And what is it?" Pit asked.

In no time, Pit was shown wearing a diaper just like Cupid.
"I can't believe I'm doing this," he sighed.
"Look at that! It's Baby Pit! Isn't he just adowable!" Viridi taunted.
Everyone laughed at him and enjoyed this moment.
"Now this is some good stuff," said Pittoo.
"Sorry, Captain. It's out of our jurisdiction," said a Centurion.
"Oh well. Beats going through Hades's stomach again," said Pit.
He was showing off his little ensemble for this little occasion as if he was a fashion model.
"Get a load of this, ladies! You love it, don't you?" he asked.
Everyone laughed at him but he knew that it would blow over sometime.
"So, should we stop it now?" Viridi asked.
"Nah, he seems to be getting used to it," said Palutena.
"Love stinks," said Hades.
"That diaper will stink more if he's not careful," said Pittoo.
"In the meantime, just laugh at this moment. It's gonna last a long time," said Viridi.
Cupid looked at him and said,
"I look so much better in a diaper."
Pit made it a Valentine's Day the gods and humans would never forget no matter how hard they try.

THE END
This had to be done with how I see Kid Icarus.

In this little story, Viridi suggests that Pit take the role of Cupid for Valentine's Day and make all the people in the Greek world the games take place in fall in love with each other. But what happens when Pit makes the gods and his friends and enemies fall under such love? It's a Valentine's Day Massacre that will leave you laughing in stitches until it's finished!

Kid Icarus (c) Nintendo

Credit goes to :iconsergy92: for help on the script.
© 2013 - 2024 DandyAndy1989
Comments78
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
Comment hidden